quiz

Goddess of the Night. Beautiful yet a strange
darkness and sadness lurk about you.

What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

blast

suffocating, why is it so? Blast, blind the noises, blind all the voices. Don't wanna hear, no don't wanna hear. Suffocating. Oh, let it blast, let it blast. Block out any else. The dull throbbing, no blast it all away, so suffocating, can't breathe. cant' breate, can't breathe.. let it blast, oh let it blast. growing colder. 'shaking' let it blast. no, don't wanna hear. no sounds, no anything. Block it out, shaking, oh block it out. Don't wanna hear, no don't wanna hear, block it out. freeze. why is it suffocating. why shaking? why blasting? cramping, it's growing cold. cold. cold. suffocating. cramping. Why is it so? Churning. Tumbling. Blast, blind all the voice. Don't wanna hear, no sound. can't breathe, oh can't.. blast it all. don't see, no don't hear.

hmm..

counting all the fics i've read that is bookmarked.. 80 of them! whoohoo~ i've read around 80 gundam fics altogether! And lots of yaoi! Dmm.. sigh.. no wonder it's hard to find a 2x1 fic these days.. nothing good. hmm.um.. change song! oh well. it doesn't seem that i'm typing anything um. useful. eh.. [fill in the blank] these days.. school is reopening! ... wahhh! *cries and run off*

nonsense

how do you feel? when time seems to have stopped. when you stop feeling, stop thinking, and your body just continue moving like an automatic machine. that tugging at the back, that nostalgic feeling, something that you can't remember, that you can't think anyway.

BORE

sigh.. boreee hn. 1 2 3 ... 3 2 1 ... BORE! sighh bore... boring... BOOF! wahhhahaa.. -sigh-

.

ne... i wonder sometimes, who's really happy? or who just seems happy but in actual they're not. It is weird.. when someone's upset, i'll hope that person won't. Demo sa.. why is it that when they are fine, it's all back to normal again. And well I wasn't the cause anyway, though I hope i was. Why is it that never knowing what to do, never am cause of happiness? well.. it's selfish to think so but.. don't know. Everyone has their own life ne? A life that needed not a ...

boofie

sighh.. boring.. how come nyx always does so much question thingy? geee..

1. What's ur name? ...
2. How old r u? 15yrs 10mths 29/30 days
3. Do you have any nickname? none of your business. oh. yuki/charcoal
4. When was your first love? ...
5. First kiss? it stinks.
6. How tall are you? hmph. how tall ARE you anyway?
7. How many ex gf/bf do u have? urusei
8. Sour, spicy or sweet? anything is fine
9. What would u do when you are free? am i EVER free? well. go online
10. Hobbies? computer
11. Do you club? No.
13. What are ur fav magazines? *raise eyebrow*
14. Are u a drinker? I will be one. d-a just wait and see.
15. How much money will u bring when u r out? Depends on the situation.
16. Car, diamond or money? Money = car = diamond. I have no need for diamond.
17. What brand of phone are you using now? *smirk*
18. Coffeebean or starbucks? This is not neccessary
19. Where do you stay? On earth. that, you can garantee
20. What is your favourite food? *raise an eyebrow* chocolate. chocolate icecream.
22. Chocolate, Sweets or cake? Chocolate.
23. Can your ears move? It is not needed.
24. Do you dye your hair? *stare* no.
25. What languages do you speak? english, mandrin, mostly.
26. How many phones in your house? They don't have to work to be called phones. Around 8.
27. How many toilets? two.
28. When u are doing ur business in the toilet,what do you think about? I think what i'm thinking about that moment.
29. Do you swim? I prefer sinking. The waterbed is beautiful.
30. Do you gamble? *stare* ..no.
31. What is your favourite sport? shut up
32. Love, techno or classical? hn. Does it matter?
33. What is your favourite drink? None
34. What is your temper? ...
35. What kind of person are you? ... you won't ever know
36. What would you wear when you go to bed? Leather. heh. just kidding. pajyamas.
37. What is the 1st thing to do when you wake up? Think.
38. Do you eat breakfast? Depends on the situation
39. Favourite tv shows? zwj's shows. olden shows
40. Who do you want to meet? anime characters, alive. wait. can i meet jesus? well.. maybe not.
41. Where do you like to go? I'll go where nyx go. *tagging behind*
43. Do you wear specs? *glare* Yours eyes are failing too. It is, right now.
44. When is ur birthday This is unneccessary.
45. Do you buy branded goods?? It doesn't matter
46. How many hours do u spend talking on the phone? between a minute a day till three hours a day. today's a minute
48. If a guy or a lady want to know u as friend, would u give ur number to them? If they're sincere. I doubt it, just kick their ***
49. Do u watch romantic movies? .... yes.
50.Do u watch Indonesian dramas? ...
51.Do you trust ur frens in ur frenlist ? Probably.
52, Who are your best frens ? *smirk* prying now, are we?
53.Do you feel like hitting someone now ? Now that you mentioned it. *smack* idiot.
54.Why u wanna hit that someone ? It's you, not someone.
55.Are u in love with someone now ? I'm in love with my friends. *snort* heero/duo/yuki/sanzo. happy?
56.Empty? Am I ever not?
57.Angry now ? Not actually.

randomness

chiisana omoidetachi ryoute ippai kakaete
holding all the small memories with both hands
anata dake omotteru
i'm only thinking of you
sonna toki ga ureshii
those moments make me happy
donna ni hanaretemo
no matter how far apart are we
aisuru kimochi wa itsu demo
my feelings of love for you
anata no tonari ni sotto yorisotteiru
always draw me closer to you
sou kesshite owaru koto no nai
that's right, because a found a
hontou no ai mitsuketa kara
true love that will never disappear
zutto zutto soba ni imasu
i swore that i will always be by your side
chikatta aoi sora
under the blue sky

[got this song from some anime!]

finished

just finished writing my commonwealth essay, The experiment. It has like, 2767 words and 14848 characters. It's a coincidence for the weird word count! hee.. me and my exaggerated story. It doesn't even make sense.

just like it

do you know this pain? So alluring, so beautiful. It hurts so much, seeping into your wounds, yet it can't be resisted. Once, twice, stain. It is always this satisfying, hurting from the very depth, no. No one can stop it, it just hurts, there. kokoro. do you know this pain? I'm addicted, yes, addicted to it. It is definitely better, when you have the control, the very control. Did anyone tell you, this pain, more than physical pain, more than anything? This pain, enough to numb out every other thing. This pain, enough for one to just dig their hearts out using their bare hands? This pain, I couldn't feel. This pain, this shame. Did I say so. This pain, drives me mad. Did anyone tell you that cutting feels good? I never tried before, so I won't know. This pain, it leaves no evidence, the best job. This pain, is the only way I knew how to cry, is the only thing I would cry for. When it comes, it never go away. This pain, it's a beauty. It makes me dig. Did I say I like to scratch? It's a wonder it never bleeds. This pain, I recognised since I was eight, this pain, comes back after. The shame, comes back years later. The beauty of hatred, I could not forget. Why did it take one so long to recognise things? I never knew. This pain, is a shame when others kiss it. For I do not have full control of it, it still hurts when other kiss it. But yet so, i'm addicted, in the same way I'm addicted to the others.
Did I tell anyone? I hope my family was never there. Well, what I meant is, I hope my family dies. Literally. Did I say, I'm evil? Psychotic too. If they dies, there would be no connection anymore. No burdens, no, nothing. Did I ever said, it would be interesting if I had gone insane one day, not that I aren't mad enough. It would be good, I would probably feel so good. But then I would die later. For pride do not allow weakness to substain, and I do not allow weakness to sustain. And thus, after this post would be shame. Weakness is a shame, I think. Do you? Well, I don't think that other's weakness is a shame. No I don't. Cowardice is a shame too, but if i look, look. Others have their own fears too. Who am I to judge. Give me a life, for I live no life of my own. I live in people's soul, in people's emotions. i react how they do, feel what they feel. The pain, I crave, and the love of the end, appeases my own soul. Appeases my own soul living in people. Living on people who aren't real. Who are not even real. Did I say I would love to be able to hallucinate? Not hallucinating monsters and devils I meant, hallucinating about things that could create this pain. Live by this pain, living by it. Now that I would think about it, I knew. One thing I have always been searching, just like others do. The one thing I am still searching, but never truely finding. For this is what I would like, it would probably be the only thing that could do. I wonder if I am right in my very evaluation, or mere light thinking. Daydreaming is good you know? You get carried off into your very own dreamland. It can go anywhere you want it to. I think thinking is also called daydreaming. That's how I called it anyway. Did I ever say, I don't feel? Sometimes I do, but sometimes, it is just this emptiness. No sadness, nor happiness. This emptiness, for I began to crave the pain. It doesn't feel good, I promise. But it is satisfying. But I don't cry using this pain, no I don't. It makes no sense if I'm crying for nothing. No sense at all, there isn't any reason. What could one cry for without a reason? There isn't a reason to do that if no one is going to be there, well, no one is even there in the first place. Did I say, this pain makes it hard to breathe? When it hurts too much you simply couldn't breathe. Couldn't breathe at all. That's when I learnt scratching, but it doesn't help much when it hurts too much too. When it hurts too much, you would want to scream. Not one when you're fustrated or sad, or angry. It is one where you scream from the excruciating pain that wouldn't stop. I think if you start screaming you won't be able to stop till.. maybe everything ends. I don't know because I never tried before. I think it might b e better if I had, though. But I have a feeling, after that would be pure emptiness, coldness. So, don't try it. Did I say.. each of the few times after that, there are only two results? Either I would feel like breaking or, feel absolutely nothing at all. Breaking is never a choice though, no one is ever there, so it is pure stupidity and shame. oOh. I love this pain. Well, when it doesn't hurt too much to lose control. I indulge in it. I hope that, years down the road even still, I would still be sane. Which would be most likely true, pride have no space for weaknesses. Show no weaknesses and terminate all evidence. If only I could do that. I still love this pain. "I'm only happy when it rains"

brain

reading stuff again... -sigh- life is boOring
Concussion.
A concussion results from the brain being battered or violently shaken. Typically, it is followed by a alteration in consciousness. That is, the person is knocked out, loses consciousness, or remains conscious, but appears dazed, witless, disoriented. The term concussion is often used interchangeably with the terms: head injury, mild brain injury, head dinged, or bell rung. It is important to note that a blow to the head is not required for brain damage to occur.

Concussion Symptoms.
Early symptoms of concussion include headache; dizziness or vertigo; lack of awareness of surroundings; and nausea and vomiting. Late symptoms of concussion include: persistent low-grade headache, lightheadedness, poor attention and concentration, memory dysfunction, difficulty doing simple math, difficulty finding words, slowed reaction time, fatiguability, irritability and low frustration threshold, intolerance of bright lights, difficulty focusing vision, intolerance of loud noises, occasional ringing in the ears, anxiety, depression, mood swings, and sleep disturbances

PTSD II

Q.What is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder PTSD?
A. Not long ago, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, was known as "shell shock" or "battle fatigue." The older terms came into popular use during World War II. Back then, PTSD was thought to affect only combat veterans. Now, scientist know that, in fact, survivors of atrocities such as the Holocaust, torture, rape, domestic violence, child abuse, war, natural disasters, catastrophic illnesses, and horrific accidents, are susceptible to post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD.
In medicine, the word "Post" is used as a prefix meaning behind or after. The word "Traumatic or Trauma" refers to a catastrophic or horrific event. It usual involves actual injury or threatened death. The term "disorder" has to do with a pathological condition of the mind or body.
It was once thought that PTSD was limited to direct victims of trauma. It is now known that even witnesses of traumatic events can suffer PTSD. Such trauma can result in a defining psychological experience that evokes feelings of panic, grief and helplessness. Trauma of great magnitude shatters a person's basic assumption about the world and personal safety, leaving the person feeling alienated and distrustful, or else overly clinging.
PTSD Features. It should be noted that a trauma is qualitatively different from the "stressors" associated with everyday "life events." The primary difference between a trauma and more or less normal "life events" is one of degree or magnitude. For example, Traumas include: earthquakes, massive flooding, wars and extreme brutality. While "stresses" are limited to common "life events" such as divorce, failure, illness, job changes, dislocation, unexpected wealth or fortune and so on.
Who gets PTSD. Not everyone who survives a traumatic event will succome to PTSD. Differences in reactions seem to depend on individual ability to cope with catastrophic stress. Consequently, different people handle it differently. Some seem to shake it off with little or no apparent effects; while others develop the full-blown syndrome with may symptoms.
Flashbacks and nightmares, avoidance behaviors and emotional numbing characterize the syndrome. In fact, scientists now believe that PTSD is relatively common. An estimated 3 to 10 percent of American's are thought to suffer from PTSD.
Delayed on-set of PTSD. While most victims exhibit signs of PTSD immediately following a disaster; others may not become symptomatic for many months or even years after a disaster. In any event, PTSD can become a chronic psychiatric disorder that persists for decades and in some cases; last a lifetime.
Causes of PTSD. PTSDis caused by an experience of loss and is usually linked to an extraordinary situation. A diagnosis of PTSD is usually limited to those who have actually lived through a traumatic experience.
Symptoms. Other diagnostic criterion for PTSD, include 1) intrusive memories or vivid flashbacks of the experience, 2) avoidance behaviors, 3) hyperarousal symptoms, and 4) persistence of these symptoms for at least one month.
Intrusive symptoms might include daytime fantasies, traumatic nightmares, and even vivid breaks with reality. When such symptoms of "re-experiencing" occur, people naturally try to avoid or suppress them. In extreme cases, the individual refuse to leave the house out of fear of coming across reminders of the trauma.
Some victims avoid all situations that might remind them of the trauma. And, sometimes they even manage to avoid or blunt their emotions as well. Many times such blunting interferes with or prevents close ties with family and friends.
Typically, PTSD victims suffer from insomnia and irritability, as well as from hypervigilance. Such symptoms are thought to result from a condition known as hyperarousal. Victims often show an exaggerated startle reaction, which is due to actual neurobiological changes within the nervous system.
PTSD victims may also have trouble concentrating or remembering current information. And, because of their chronic hyperarousal, do poorly at school, work, and in relationships. People with PTSD often try to resolve conflicts by withdrawing emotionally, or even by becoming violent. And, because theycan't tolerate strong emotions they become adept at ignoring their feelings. This emotional numbing makes it difficult for them to participate meaningfully in relationships.

common dreams

Chase or Attack.
These dreams stem from feelings of fear, stress or anxiety in your waking life. Instead of confronting the situation, you are running away and avoiding it. The pursuer or attacker who is chasing you in your dream may represent a part of yourself – anger, jealousy, fear, love or self-destructive behavior – which subconsciously threatens or jeopardizes your relationships and careers.

Falling dream.
Falling is an indication of anxieties, instabilities and insecurities. It often reflects a sense of failure or inferiority. You may be feeling overwhelmed, weighed down, unsupported and out of control in your waking life.

Taking an exam.
This indicates that you are being anxious, distressed and frustrated about other people’s expectations of you. These dreams usually have something to do with your self-esteem and confidence, or the lack of it.

sleep

[news]
The Effects Of Sleep Deprivation On Teens
Lack of sufficient sleep has been a rampant problem among teens today. Researches have shown that sleep problems puts them at great risk for emotional disturbance, school difficulties, accidents and psychopathology.
Presently, adolescents get only an average of seven hours of sleep. From an average of 10 hours a night during middle childhood, their hours of sleep decline to fewer than 7.5 hours by age 16.
Teens today are involved with more activities. They struggle with their academic loads and pressures, domestic affairs, relationships, social activities and engagements, part-time or sometimes even full-time jobs.
They also tend to watch television or surf the Internet until late in the night or until the wee hours of dawn. They also have various video and computer games which take up most of their times.
Teenagers generally require considerably more sleep than do younger children or adults. Starting around puberty to their early 20s, they need about 9.2 hours of sleep every night to perform optimally during the day. But this is not to be the case for the teens today.
With sleep deprivation, their safety is greatly jeopardized. According to the National highway Traffic Safety Administration, more than half of the 1,000 traffic accidents are caused by young drivers who are either driving drowsy or fatigued.
Reports have shown that there are 100,000 police-reported crashes that are the direct result of drowsy driving or driver fatigue each year. This results in an estimated 1,550 deaths, 71,000 injuries and $12.5 billion in monetary losses.
It also appears that teens with insufficient sleep frequently have disciplinary problems and troubles understanding, concentrating and memorizing in class. According to a research, almost half of the students who begin school at 7:20 AM were found to be “pathologically sleepy” during the day, displaying similar patterns shown by patients with narcolepsy.
Another research revealed that students who have 25 minutes less sleep and go to bed 40 minutes later were mostly getting C’s, D’s and F’s. This only indicates that there is a direct connection between the number of hours that teenagers sleep and their performance at school.
Lack of sleep also affects adolescent’s emotions and behavior. Sleep-deprived teens are vulnerable to psychopathologies such as depression, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and have difficulty controlling their emotions and impulses.
To address these escalating problems, researchers have now started to push for school changes and public outreach before teen’s sleeping behavior gets out of hand.

PTSD

do you suffer from PTSD, formally called post traumatic stress disorder? do you suffer from..
-Headaches, aches and pains from joints
-Feeling tired and lethargic
-Finding it impossible to concentrate, inability to complete simple tasks
-Poor memory and concentration
-A total lack of energy
-Irritability, inability to relax, disturbed sleep

Take this ptsd test! Just answer yes or no to each of the questions. No need to jot down, there are no results.

Have you experienced or witnessed a life-threatening event that caused intense fear, helplessness or horror?
Repeated, distressing memories and/or dreams?
Acting or feeling as if the event was happening again? (flashbacks or re-living it).
Intense physical and/or emotional distress when you are exposed to things that remind you of the event?
Do you avoid reminders of the event and feel numb, compared to the way you felt before?
Do you avoid thoughts, feelings and conversations about the event?
Do you avoid activities, places or people who remind you of it?
Have you blanked on parts of the detail?
Are you losing interest in significant activities in your life?
Are you feeling detached from other people?
Do you feel as if your range of emotions is restricted?
Do you feel as if your future is diminished in terms of marriage, children or a normal life span?
Problems sleeping?
Irritability or outbursts of anger?
Problems concentrating?
Feeling 'on-guard'?
An exaggerated startle response?
Have you experienced changes in sleeping or eating habits?

More days than not, do you feel:
Sad or Depressed?
Disinterested in life?
Worthless or guilty?

If you have answered to more than five of the following, or even more, you are suffering from PTSD and would require help for the best.
..........

...

don't care about that. long forgotten. only wanted something else. why is it it keeps coming back. why doesn't it go away. is it something that stays. is it only a reason. no meaning. nothing. why won't it go away. it is nothing. it shouldn't be bothered. it is messed up. messed up living in fantasy. not reality. in an illusion. long clouded.

scrambled IV

serenity.
as pure and empty as anything
it needs nothing
takes nothing
and gives nothing

dirt.
When it gets dirty,
Would you wash it off?
When it gets muddy,
Would you wash it off?
What if it wouldn't go away?
What if it soils again upon the ground
Even grime is livelier than dirt is

fear

-sigh- fear. who th' it hold? It's none of my business.. i didn't even write those. -sigh-

Worry is a form of fear, and all forms of fear produce fatigue. A man who has learned not to feel fear will find the fatigue of daily life enormously diminished. = Russell Bertrand

Take stock of your fears now and see how many of them are senseless. If you are honest with yourself you will probably find most of them are groundless. = Dale Carnegie

Extreme terror gives us back the gestures of our childhood. = Chazal

Who is more foolish, the child afraid of the dark or the man afraid of the light? = Maurice Freehill

Many people are so filled with fear that they go through life running from something that is not after them. = Author Unknown

midi

sigh~ i changed the song again. Except that now it is a midi. It's chrno cross's time scar. =D

l a i n

To die is only abandoning your body.
Why do people live?
People keep their bodies only to continue satisfying desires of the flesh.
I have only abandoned my body.

-serial experiments lain.

hn.

sigh` stomach teels funny now. hm. have been trying to make a new site for the past hours. argh.. irritating stuff. now it looks all ugly and 'mush'. hmph. and it takes time to load! sigh. gck. stomach cramping. oh well~

quiz II

second quiz!! reaction ... O.O

Your Beauty lies in Sadness. Lonely, depressed and feeling broken. For whatever reason, you see this world only for the bad that it holds carrying the burdens of yourself and others. Some people like to be with you and your unique vantage point when they are down, you are someone who can sympathize withthem. But you find yourself alone again when they seem to find a solution and are happy again, yet you still are stuck in this rut. Do not worry, you will make it out at some time. Everyone does, if you try. When you are seen all others want to do is make your pain go away, but that is something only you can do. You probably keep to yourself a lot and don't like to let people in, afraid to be hurtagain. You feel empty and helpless and your looks reflect that, often seenwith tears in your eyes.

Some things
That Represent You:

Element: Dark, Earth
Animal: Robin
Color: Grays, Blacks, Dark Colors
Song: Tourniquet by Evanescence
Expression: Tearful Frown
Gemstone: Aquamarine
Mythological Creature: Spirit, Gargoyle
Planet: Mercury
Hair Color: Blue-Black
Eye Color: Gray
Quote: "Am I too lost to be saved?"

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla

*yawn*

quiz

Your element is Rain: Sad, lonely, distant and unique. You are quite distant from emotion and people, but you have been made this way by one thing or another. You are truly unique yet fail to see it, and are quite creative be it in art, music, writing, ect.. You used to let people in now you don't even bother to try having been hurt so many times in the past. Your attitude is that you don't need anyone but yourself, people are just trouble waiting to happen. But you really do want to trust someone no matter if you see it or not, deep down your waiting for someone to come and set you free. This kindof depression can turn dangerous, don't let them get to you. Not everyone in the world will hurt you, humans are humans and are not perfect. So most likely sooner or later you'll meet someone who feels like you do and perhaps your shell will eventually disappear.
.:-What is your true element?-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla

*grumbles*

hmm... can't remember when i wrote this for fun.. hehe.. kinda mean though =^-^= but then.. hmm.. *snicker* better hope that *points* doesn't read it. I shall put up others too soon! *grins*

kumo
hit the wheel! this is mad. she grumbles too much, she complains excessively, she hides from obscenities, violence, dangers, and sources of her nightmares. She gives excuses, mumbles non-coherent stuff, elaborates too much, and talks about how a crack in a wall could be interesting. And there, she holds on to her possessions, demands comfort, looks into your face and boast about herself, stuffs her pocket full of items, and thinks that she knows you very well. She wonders too much, questions the non-existent questions and thinks you doubt her word. Fascinated by the littlest of littlest of things. And all in all, turns over and hands a box of your favourite snack into your face with the sweetest gesture. there.. oh well, sigh~ how irritating could it be.

wonder

hmm..listening to break through now.. just wondering, when will the tide cease. It have been so long already, how long can it last till it slowly fades into nothingness. how long exactly. what has changed over time, how has it changed between. is it still that spark of fire, or has it gone out. maybe.. nothing has changed, just a twisted mind toying with things, screwing things till there isn't any clear definition. maybe it is just nothing. but, when will the tide go down. will it last so long as the sun takes to set? will it wait till the season's over? sigh-

trying to make up some chibi faces just now, while thinking of yaoi and stuff that goes.. #^.^# hohoho! can't believe that i did that kind of stuff.

(#"#)oo(^.~) h e . t a s t e d . g o o d
(*-*)oO(" /) j u s t . g o t . m y . p e c k

watching..

serial experiments lain
gundam wing
ghost in the shell ova1
naruto
chrono trigger ova
bleach
ai yori aoshi enishi

madness

once upon a time, I met a thief. He told me to give him my money or he will kill me. I was surprised for a moment and told him to take it himself but return me my wallet. It had only two dollars in it. Desperate, he took my wallet and ran away.

once upon a time, I met a burgler. He was busy fiddling with my computer wires and did not see me there. I asked him if he would like a scissors to work out faster. He nodded before realising i'm there. I gave him one and asked him to leave my scissors behind when he is done, i will need it for my art. He stared at me before scrambling away.

once upon a time, I met a rapist. He cornered me, it was snowing so I told him. Could you leave my clothes 'untouched'? I would need to after he is done, it is cold in winter time. He looked confused and suddenly broke down. He told me that his father used to rape his mother, so he took it up too.

once upon a time, I met a popular high schooler. She is very pretty and have many friends. She was just cuddling on the ground alone. When I asked her what happened, she said that she took up drugs with her friends and her parents found so, so she was thrown out. I told her she could apologise but she said she want to stay popular. She was afraid of loneliness.

once upon a time, I met a crippled dog. One of it's hindleg was missing. I fed it food and let it follow me around. The next time I met a small group of gangsters, the crippled dog barked and stood beside me. After that, I heard many other barking sounds. The gangsters backed away almost instantly.

the last time I went out and saw a begger in a corner deserted. I went up to him and gave him a dollar. I wonder if he is too scared of facing people that he had to even hid away while begging for money. I went home that day and told my teddy bear that everyone seems to have a problem which affects their action and fell asleep.

scrambled III

oh man! *smack!* this is so insane! i was just thinking about one really insane fic i ever tried reading. so it came out #^$%^$ too. sigh~ maybe i should just keep it private. it doesn't make sense at all, yet it seems nice blabbering again nonsense. heh. oh well~ sigh again~ don't read it. no one should. because well it is really stupid and mad.

I was going home one day
I was going home to kill myself
I met a girl on the street
A girl no older than ten
She asked me if I am lost
I laughed and answered almost automatically
Using heero's quote I said
I have been lost since the day I was born
She smiled and wish me goodluck
Goodluck to find my way home soon.
As I turned to leave the girl called again
She said that she was actually lost
I asked her if she needed help
But she smiled in return and ran off
I had forgotten to kill myself that day

A long time after.
I was going home from school
I was going home for dinner.
I met the girl again
Only that she had longer hair,
and more tattered clothes
She waved to me and I went over
She was hugging a teddy bear.
I asked her if she had found her parents yet
But she only smiled further
And told me what I wouldn't believe my ears
she said 'I had lost my innocence' and grinned
I looked at her in disbelief gaped
She held out the teddy bear to me and continued
'I had lost my innocence since the day I died'

'since the day I killed my own parents'
'since the day I met the guy who wanted no money'
'not death, not blood, not anything.'
'but the insanity of enjoying other's pain'
'he kicked my father and tied him to the bedpost'
'he told me if I could hit the apple above my father's head,'
'he will let us go'
'he gave me a gun and asked me to aim'
'I was scared to death, i was trembling'
'I did not know what to do'
'My mother was tied by behind me'
'My father infront of me'
'I was so very scared. so very shocked. i was only five'
'my mother was crying and begging. my father asked me to shoot'
'but i was scared.'
'the moment a plane rushed overhead i shot. missed'
'the man grinned and help me to aim. he asked me to help'
'help end my father's suffering'
'so i shot. it went right through my father's heart.'
'i wasn't crying. i was too shock. i was hoping'
'just hoping that it is all of a nightmare. hoping the man will go'
'hoping my father will wake up. hoping to be in front of the television'
'watching cartoons happily oblivious to anything'
'the man was laughing. he looked.mad.'
'I could hear my mother's cries. i was still, couldn't move'
'when the man walked over to my mother, the cries became louder.'
'but there's only silence in my mind'
'when he is done with my mother, he held the gun to me again'
'so i killed my mother, in exchange for my freedom'
'but he took me in. so i began killing people for him'
'I lost my innocence that day. and ever since.'

For the longest time in my life, i laughed.
I laughed real hard. I laughed at the irony,
I laughed at everything.
I laughed at what happened, I laugh at the bloodshed.
For once, I knew I was not normal.
So i asked her, if she was here to kill me too
She just grinned again and said that
she just wanted to give me the bear, her bear
So I took and head home.
That very night I lost my sanity
That very night I lost everything

scrambled II

I love you
for who you are
for who you were

I love you
the way you smile
the way you laugh
the way you dance by the moonlight

I love you
the day you were born
as our fates entwined
bounded together for eternity

I love you
your innocence
your love
your cheerfulness
your happiness

I love you
the way you cried
the way you blabber on non stop
the way you felt in my arms
when you fell asleep sobbing

the tears glistening
as you mumbled in your sleep

I love you
for your stabborn-ness
for your determination
for your vulnerability

I love you
when you blush
when you scream at me
when you throws a tamtrum

the way you never fails
to bring a smile on my face

I love you,
for who you are,
for who you were,
the moment you're born,
the moment you knew me.

I love all about you,
As you knew all about me

I will love you forever
I will love you when you betray me
I will love you when you shot me
I will love you when you leave me bleeding

So please..
love me too
even if it is just a little
a little will do

Loving you, forever


oOOO lame~!! hahaa.. what's wrong with me!? sigh~ don't worry.. this is for no one. sigh~

scrambled

did i hear your cries
too drowned in my own sorrows
did i see your pain
blind to anything but myself
do you cry to sleep
hearing the faint whispers of the night
why didn't i hear you
when you're so near
why didn't i see you
when you're right in front of me
bastardised by selfishness

could i hold you tonight
all warm and fuzzy
calm your fears ease the loneliness
hoping i could be there
there from the start
i'm sorry i couldn't hear
i'm sorry i couldn't see
just wishing to hold you tonight
to share your suffering
to share your every drop of tear

anato o daisuki desu
zutto zutto tomodachi
aishiteru.

hmm...arhhh! what the * am i typing! i'm talking to an imaginary person, well.. heh. just needed to type that kinda thing to get it off my mind. *arranging thoughts and emotions* something's off the key today, something feels weird. sigh. well.. doesn't everyday feel weird anyway? hmm..