just like it

do you know this pain? So alluring, so beautiful. It hurts so much, seeping into your wounds, yet it can't be resisted. Once, twice, stain. It is always this satisfying, hurting from the very depth, no. No one can stop it, it just hurts, there. kokoro. do you know this pain? I'm addicted, yes, addicted to it. It is definitely better, when you have the control, the very control. Did anyone tell you, this pain, more than physical pain, more than anything? This pain, enough to numb out every other thing. This pain, enough for one to just dig their hearts out using their bare hands? This pain, I couldn't feel. This pain, this shame. Did I say so. This pain, drives me mad. Did anyone tell you that cutting feels good? I never tried before, so I won't know. This pain, it leaves no evidence, the best job. This pain, is the only way I knew how to cry, is the only thing I would cry for. When it comes, it never go away. This pain, it's a beauty. It makes me dig. Did I say I like to scratch? It's a wonder it never bleeds. This pain, I recognised since I was eight, this pain, comes back after. The shame, comes back years later. The beauty of hatred, I could not forget. Why did it take one so long to recognise things? I never knew. This pain, is a shame when others kiss it. For I do not have full control of it, it still hurts when other kiss it. But yet so, i'm addicted, in the same way I'm addicted to the others.
Did I tell anyone? I hope my family was never there. Well, what I meant is, I hope my family dies. Literally. Did I say, I'm evil? Psychotic too. If they dies, there would be no connection anymore. No burdens, no, nothing. Did I ever said, it would be interesting if I had gone insane one day, not that I aren't mad enough. It would be good, I would probably feel so good. But then I would die later. For pride do not allow weakness to substain, and I do not allow weakness to sustain. And thus, after this post would be shame. Weakness is a shame, I think. Do you? Well, I don't think that other's weakness is a shame. No I don't. Cowardice is a shame too, but if i look, look. Others have their own fears too. Who am I to judge. Give me a life, for I live no life of my own. I live in people's soul, in people's emotions. i react how they do, feel what they feel. The pain, I crave, and the love of the end, appeases my own soul. Appeases my own soul living in people. Living on people who aren't real. Who are not even real. Did I say I would love to be able to hallucinate? Not hallucinating monsters and devils I meant, hallucinating about things that could create this pain. Live by this pain, living by it. Now that I would think about it, I knew. One thing I have always been searching, just like others do. The one thing I am still searching, but never truely finding. For this is what I would like, it would probably be the only thing that could do. I wonder if I am right in my very evaluation, or mere light thinking. Daydreaming is good you know? You get carried off into your very own dreamland. It can go anywhere you want it to. I think thinking is also called daydreaming. That's how I called it anyway. Did I ever say, I don't feel? Sometimes I do, but sometimes, it is just this emptiness. No sadness, nor happiness. This emptiness, for I began to crave the pain. It doesn't feel good, I promise. But it is satisfying. But I don't cry using this pain, no I don't. It makes no sense if I'm crying for nothing. No sense at all, there isn't any reason. What could one cry for without a reason? There isn't a reason to do that if no one is going to be there, well, no one is even there in the first place. Did I say, this pain makes it hard to breathe? When it hurts too much you simply couldn't breathe. Couldn't breathe at all. That's when I learnt scratching, but it doesn't help much when it hurts too much too. When it hurts too much, you would want to scream. Not one when you're fustrated or sad, or angry. It is one where you scream from the excruciating pain that wouldn't stop. I think if you start screaming you won't be able to stop till.. maybe everything ends. I don't know because I never tried before. I think it might b e better if I had, though. But I have a feeling, after that would be pure emptiness, coldness. So, don't try it. Did I say.. each of the few times after that, there are only two results? Either I would feel like breaking or, feel absolutely nothing at all. Breaking is never a choice though, no one is ever there, so it is pure stupidity and shame. oOh. I love this pain. Well, when it doesn't hurt too much to lose control. I indulge in it. I hope that, years down the road even still, I would still be sane. Which would be most likely true, pride have no space for weaknesses. Show no weaknesses and terminate all evidence. If only I could do that. I still love this pain. "I'm only happy when it rains"