sigh

-going insane every minute. again- no more fics for me. can't seem to find anymore heero duo 2x1 fic that is.. well.. sigh. I WANT MY DAILY SUPPLY OF FOOD. I NEED THEM. NEED THEM. filling the sadistic or whatsoever part of mine. filling. filling. maybe because i know.. in those that i read, duo is always there with the thing 'love' i guess. well..it's stupid typing it anyway. wish i can just lie down on my bed and sleep now and then. sleep forever and forever. not caring about anyone, anything. not having to face anyone, anything, any feeling, or whatsoever. besides eating my father's food is getting to be a chore. why is it that i used to eat it for dinner and now it tastes like some weird stuff? I can taste it.. know it probably taste good somehow. but perhaps something is missing, it isn't good at all. just wish i could stop eating. it's not like i needed the food anyway. i don't even move much, don't need the energy. oh yea.. duo.. hmm.. there's this time, was reading another fic.. it's ok demo.. the ending is horrible. i didn't even want to read the epiloge at all. Well because it seemed that heero and duo were not together. i'm like ehhh.... nani!? doshite!?? and then i freaked out and heh.. i kept a distance from that fic till a week ago. i like the starting part though.. it's nice.. the middle is okay.. but after the *beeeeep* is horrid. horrid. how could anyone grow tired of that? how can?? *boof* if only i could change the ending myself.. but. nah.. can't . thats it. sighhh sleeepp.. whyy. noooo.. heero and duo should always be together. must. it's a must. sigh~ ignorance is a bliss. stupidly evaluating my own thinking and emotions. just a mere robot aren't I. can't seem to help it. [ある時幸せだけ - i'm happy when you are] my friend gave it to me cause.. well. but i don't like a flutter of happiness. it leaves nothing in the end, only more emptiness that waits for me fill out with those fics i read, or the most i read. emptiness is scary. you can't feel anything. nor happy, sad.. sorrowful.. or well.. anything. it's stupid. in the end, i just create whatever emotion is want. it could even change in a blink of an eyelid. But well.. maybe it's good. controlling yourself. full control heh. i'm sooo pervertised.. like that woman. so pervertised. it makes me sick. i'm just another of that creation, all that's left. i used to daydream about.. hoping it would come true.. but this is singapore right? maybe.. a part of my mind tells me that with that.. maybe.. i can gain.. all i wanted. if only.. but it is impossible isn't it. impossible. daydreaming.. if only i can be that person.. hoping.. but i know too. impossible. that *beeeep* is enticing the other day i saw it. but i know.. impossible. no way i'll do that. hygiene, dude. .. sigh.. can't that part stop popping up in my mind and let it wander. in june. on the bus to genting. then i don't know what it is.. but now i know. what can it be. to be only able to sleep on the bus was to cling on the the curtain like there's no tomorrow or something. i thought there is mildred. but guess i'm wrong. Sometimes i just realised again.. i've been relying on colleen too much. probably.. it's something to fall on.. don't other people do that. no idea.. perhaps they don't. because they have a family. i don't. there is a bunch of walking zombies living in my house that i do not need to speak more than a sentence to. living zombies. no wonder kumo says it's cold. who cares. if not for the word filial piety or conscience i bet the moment i had enough money i'd run off to who knows where. who needs them. i don't need someone who doesn't need me. besides.. they're just a punk of psychos. where're anyone when i'm fucking in hell. where's the man when someone's 'murdering' me. who's the one who told me i hate girls who cry when i ran off. where's anyone at all. looking. or rather ignoring every. everything thats happening. i'm glad i didn't murder that person. i'm glad i've grown older. i'm glad perhaps.. i'm stronger now. how can i love anyone that is like that. they must've forgotten everything that happened before. kisama. but i won't. zettai. like the same way.. that woman thought my brother has forgotten about how she and the man used to beat him up like.. ehh.. hell. bastards. a bunch of mere psychos. well.. including me. who says there aren't side effects. there sure is. stupid side effects. i never knew why they were present till i'm the least thirteen.. never knew.. and only then i realise what it has been called all the years. i bet those two morons heard me last time. i said it out loud. i'm sure.. they're outside right.. they probably heard it. fucking morons. if that woman is going to come out of her room.. i bet i'll .. oh well.. i won't dare anyway. cowardy~ stupid side effects. real stupid. hm. oh yea.. i used the word fuck. hah. fuck all you like. who cares. who the hell cares. moron. -sigh- *change song* oh mean... what was i typing.. *headache* darn... i'll try reading it after the post. sigh.. back's aching. listening to [if we hold on together] *breathe*